My sun is back

Things change, thanks God, and im feeling a bit better now

somewhere a golden angel came near me and gave me their shoulder to cry on, and showed me their love and helped me, and made me feel i was no more alone...

my world is not dark now, theres a shining star who keeps me company

im glad i could put back again my Facebook and MySpace accounts, i was so stupid for deleting them....why i make these things? it seems that when im feeling very down i need to destroy something important for me, or to hurt myself, to relief my pain....but why? am i trying to punish me? what have i done to deserve this? why this happens to me sometimes???

why sometimes i feel so bad, as if life had no more sense?

i hate that feeling...

my dark clouds are gone now, the sun (my sun) is shining again :-)

but when will those clouds come back again?

........

.................

crap, crap, crap

i cancelled now my two accounts in facebook and in myspace, im so tired of everything, im so tired of being put apart, im so tired of people treating me as if i dont belong to their world, i must get rid of this bloody things that link me to a world that doesnt exist, well, it must exist but ive no right to belong to it, i wish i had the courage to close this blog too, but i need it to shout my anger and my sadness, sometimes i feel im gonna explode!!!

CRAP!!!CRAP!!!CRAP!!!

im so fed up of EVERYTHING!!!

Forgotten

What is the feeling of being forgotten by somebody who is the most important person for you in this world?

nothing else in life really matters, isnt it?

your world falls as a fragile castle made of cards...

you feel lost and so alone

you feel disappointed because you thought there was somewhere a star that brightened your days, but then you realise that star doesnt exist...

maybe it has never existed...

suddenly your world gets so dark

and you feel so empty...

your tears are the only friends you have now

:-(

It's Not Easy...

Ok,
Try not to think about what is hurting you
..............
I know it's not easy
But try it, ok?

Today, there was sun outside
You love the sun, don't you?

Why you weren't happy with the sun?

Look at the birds on the roofs
They are so happy!

Why you are not happy for their happiness?

Try to put in a deep corner of your soul
What is hurting you

Close your eyes
and then close the dark doors of that dark feeling

Open your eyes and look around you

Please don't look inside your heart

Forget it
even if it's only for a few minutes

Try to think only in good things in life
in good things you have

in good people you know

Try to make things that make you happy

Look at the smile of that little boy in the TV

Listen to that song you love so much

Keep trying....

Now, you are busy with things
and you wont think about what hurts you

But don't stop!

If you stop, you think
If you think, you remember
If you remember, you cry again

and again....

I know it's not easy

Everybody wants you to be fine

And you try to be fine
Even if your heart is broken, isn't it?

It's not easy....

Thinking about thinking

Been watching on TV the concert in Hyde Park to celebrate Nelson Mandelas birthday and enjoying it, because this great man deserves it, because its a concert with many artists and lots of music and colour, and because it brings in it an important message, a message of union between everybody to make this world better, no matter the religions, the countries, the colours, or even the thoughts of each other.....and thats always beautiful and important :-)

one of the groups of artists who participated in this concert was the "Queen without Freedie Mercury", and that made me wonder.....Freddie Mercury was one of the best singers ive ever heard in my whole life, he had such a wonderful and strong a voice and such a peculiar way of singing and performing, that i think he must be in the list of the best artists of the whole world, of all times.....i loved his songs and still today i love to listen to his songs.....

so, i think......is this guy replaceable? i mean, what is the feeling of the ones listening to Freddies songs but sung by another person?

to be honest, i was listening to some of his songs, and i feel that the Queen without Freddie Mercury are no more the Queen.....i know that Paul Rodgers sings Freddies songs but its not the same thing....it cant be......he cant have the voice and the way of singing Freddie had.....nobody can......

so, i ask to me.....why people keep trying to replace whats not replaceable? if Queens fans enjoy their music and miss it, why not listen to the old songs sung by Freddie Mercury and not by another artist who maybe is taking away from those songs something very important?

im remembering Robbie Williams my favorite artist, whose voice and way of singing and performing nobody else can do better than him......i wouldnt enjoy to see one day somebody singing his songs and trying to imitate him....not at all :-(.....songs like "Angels", the best song of all times, nobody else can sing it the way Rob sings it, nobody......they can try it, but they really cant....

i think a real good artist who sings a real good song, creates something very unique that nobody else can imitate.....its a feeling, an emotion, its their soul they leave in that song......and nobody can take out that soul of a song.......

and im not talking only about artists, im talking about people in general......people whose lives are important for other people......if those people die one day, nobody can replace them.....we must get used to their absence, and remember them to keep them alive in our hearts......

but, well, its only my opinion.....and in a night when im not feeling very well, feeling those dark clouds in my heart.......thinking about thinking........thinking about people i love and i care about but who are not with me and will never be..........thinking about the unfair things life brings to us everydays.........thinking about my ill cat fighting against his illness and me trying to help him, but im not sure if im really helping him.....hes so old and his illness has no cure, am i being sellfish for trying to make him live a bit more?.........but who am i to decide what is the right time to let him go?.......i think hes not in pain, thats why im making everything, and i mean everything, to make him survive......because if he was in pain, i should have the courage to give up.....as i had years ago with my dogs..... :-(......but i dont want to remember this now, its too much painful........it broke my heart, and it keeps breaking everytime i think about it......

need to give the medecines to my cat and then i must go to bed......tomorrow ill feel better.....

funny, my cats name is Freddy :-)

goodnight to the stars

XXXXXXXX

Today i WONT cry!

Feeling crap, crap, crap.....

but this time i WONT cry, im so fed up of crying as a silly child, i feel always so ridiculous...

ill pretend everything is ok, and if something tries to upset me, ill open a little door in my mind and ill throw to there all my darkest feelings, oh yeah i will...

and then ill close that door and ill throw away the key....oops i cant, because i know other bad feelings will want to appear and i must hide them there too...

its as if a dark and ugly monster was invading my soul in all directions and i must try to ignore it to do not feel so lost...

why sometimes this happens to me? what have i done to deserve this?

why people keep hurting each others, specially the ones who are closer to them? is that fair?

in whom can we count on?

sometimes we think we can count on somebody and that we are important for that person, but suddenly we realise we are so wrong, we dont mean anything to that person, and that everything nice that person seems to make to you, its not made with real love and joy, its made with sacrifice........and when you think you have something very special in your life, maybe one of the most special things in all your life, something more precious than gold, suddenly you find out thats nothing, its only sand that disappears in the middle of your fingers, you try to hold it tight in your hands because its so important for you, but it vanishes, and so, so fast..... :-(

how can we always be so wrong? how can we always feel so lost in this endless road thats our stupid life?

maybe we only can rest when our life comes to its end....no more dreams, no more disillusions, we dont hurt any more people and nobody else hurts us, its the end of everything.....and when we die, if somebody sometimes remembers us that means that during our life we were important to that person and in some way we made some difference in their life......and that keeps us alive and eternal, even if its only in one persons heart......

many times i think im lucky because i have a wonderful family, not very large, but they really love me and care about me, and we all are very close, and i never doubt about their feelings for me....and ive my pets who i know they really love me too......and i know that if one day ill go, they will really miss me, ive no doubts about that.....i also have no doubts that when they are with me, they really enjoy my company, they are not making any sacrifice, im not being something heavy and disturbing in their lives, ive no doubts about that too...........and thats so wonderful to me, dont believe many people have this luck :-)

but sadly i feel other people who are close, or i think they are close to me, its not the same thing..........and that breaks my heart because i know i dont deserve that, because for me those persons are very important and very special, and i couldnt live without them........but i feel they think im only creating problems in their lives and that everything would be better if i was far, far away from them.........

i feel like an annoying and dark cloud thats taking away the sun from a flower........

so if that dark cloud really loves that flower, and knows that the flower doesnt need you, it only wants and needs the warm and happy sun, dont you think it has arrived the time to have the courage to go away and leave that flower in peace? its hard for you because you feel that flower sometimes will need the rain that could water its petals and at the same time, that flower is important for you, it brights your life and gives colours to your days...........

but you feel you cant force the feelings of the ones you love but who dont love you, thats so stupid..........you need them but you must realise they DONT need you.....they are important for you, but you are only a pain in their lives............

so, u must go, go with the wind, go to the ones who really love you and care about you, and forget everything that is constanly hurting you and breaking your heart!

you cant be so silly all your life.....

but, as i said, i WONT cry today!

thats enough of tears, too much tears in my life since i was born, thats enough!

...................................................

To be or not to be...

So, its me here again, having been here for ages...went here now because i needed to talk...

ok, here it is: sometimes it happens to everybody something like this...you are afraid of hurting or upseting somebody you love too much and you know you cant show your real feelings, i mean, you are not feeling happy, something is hurting you, but you must show to that person that everything is fine with you....thats not easy, but the one you love wont realise how much you are suffering...and that person wont suffer with you...

so, is this fair? not only you feel unhappy but also you are obliged to play a hard role and maybe you are "lying" to your friend...but if you show that you are not feeling well, the one you love will feel bad too.....and if you know that person isnt well because of you, you will feel even worse!

life is a bit complicated, isnt it?

who knows which is the right time to be who you are, to show what you are feeling, to tell what you are thinking???

maybe we should never hide our feelings, as very young kids do....they are not afraid of opening their hearts, of crying if they need to, or of laughing if they want to....

animals dont think neither about what they are feeling.....they always show what is in their hearts, always...

well, i think its time to go to bed, its too late and my brain cant think lol

sweet dreams to anybody whos there

XXXXXXXX