Thinking about thinking

Been watching on TV the concert in Hyde Park to celebrate Nelson Mandelas birthday and enjoying it, because this great man deserves it, because its a concert with many artists and lots of music and colour, and because it brings in it an important message, a message of union between everybody to make this world better, no matter the religions, the countries, the colours, or even the thoughts of each other.....and thats always beautiful and important :-)

one of the groups of artists who participated in this concert was the "Queen without Freedie Mercury", and that made me wonder.....Freddie Mercury was one of the best singers ive ever heard in my whole life, he had such a wonderful and strong a voice and such a peculiar way of singing and performing, that i think he must be in the list of the best artists of the whole world, of all times.....i loved his songs and still today i love to listen to his songs.....

so, i think......is this guy replaceable? i mean, what is the feeling of the ones listening to Freddies songs but sung by another person?

to be honest, i was listening to some of his songs, and i feel that the Queen without Freddie Mercury are no more the Queen.....i know that Paul Rodgers sings Freddies songs but its not the same thing....it cant be......he cant have the voice and the way of singing Freddie had.....nobody can......

so, i ask to me.....why people keep trying to replace whats not replaceable? if Queens fans enjoy their music and miss it, why not listen to the old songs sung by Freddie Mercury and not by another artist who maybe is taking away from those songs something very important?

im remembering Robbie Williams my favorite artist, whose voice and way of singing and performing nobody else can do better than him......i wouldnt enjoy to see one day somebody singing his songs and trying to imitate him....not at all :-(.....songs like "Angels", the best song of all times, nobody else can sing it the way Rob sings it, nobody......they can try it, but they really cant....

i think a real good artist who sings a real good song, creates something very unique that nobody else can imitate.....its a feeling, an emotion, its their soul they leave in that song......and nobody can take out that soul of a song.......

and im not talking only about artists, im talking about people in general......people whose lives are important for other people......if those people die one day, nobody can replace them.....we must get used to their absence, and remember them to keep them alive in our hearts......

but, well, its only my opinion.....and in a night when im not feeling very well, feeling those dark clouds in my heart.......thinking about thinking........thinking about people i love and i care about but who are not with me and will never be..........thinking about the unfair things life brings to us everydays.........thinking about my ill cat fighting against his illness and me trying to help him, but im not sure if im really helping him.....hes so old and his illness has no cure, am i being sellfish for trying to make him live a bit more?.........but who am i to decide what is the right time to let him go?.......i think hes not in pain, thats why im making everything, and i mean everything, to make him survive......because if he was in pain, i should have the courage to give up.....as i had years ago with my dogs..... :-(......but i dont want to remember this now, its too much painful........it broke my heart, and it keeps breaking everytime i think about it......

need to give the medecines to my cat and then i must go to bed......tomorrow ill feel better.....

funny, my cats name is Freddy :-)

goodnight to the stars

XXXXXXXX

Today i WONT cry!

Feeling crap, crap, crap.....

but this time i WONT cry, im so fed up of crying as a silly child, i feel always so ridiculous...

ill pretend everything is ok, and if something tries to upset me, ill open a little door in my mind and ill throw to there all my darkest feelings, oh yeah i will...

and then ill close that door and ill throw away the key....oops i cant, because i know other bad feelings will want to appear and i must hide them there too...

its as if a dark and ugly monster was invading my soul in all directions and i must try to ignore it to do not feel so lost...

why sometimes this happens to me? what have i done to deserve this?

why people keep hurting each others, specially the ones who are closer to them? is that fair?

in whom can we count on?

sometimes we think we can count on somebody and that we are important for that person, but suddenly we realise we are so wrong, we dont mean anything to that person, and that everything nice that person seems to make to you, its not made with real love and joy, its made with sacrifice........and when you think you have something very special in your life, maybe one of the most special things in all your life, something more precious than gold, suddenly you find out thats nothing, its only sand that disappears in the middle of your fingers, you try to hold it tight in your hands because its so important for you, but it vanishes, and so, so fast..... :-(

how can we always be so wrong? how can we always feel so lost in this endless road thats our stupid life?

maybe we only can rest when our life comes to its end....no more dreams, no more disillusions, we dont hurt any more people and nobody else hurts us, its the end of everything.....and when we die, if somebody sometimes remembers us that means that during our life we were important to that person and in some way we made some difference in their life......and that keeps us alive and eternal, even if its only in one persons heart......

many times i think im lucky because i have a wonderful family, not very large, but they really love me and care about me, and we all are very close, and i never doubt about their feelings for me....and ive my pets who i know they really love me too......and i know that if one day ill go, they will really miss me, ive no doubts about that.....i also have no doubts that when they are with me, they really enjoy my company, they are not making any sacrifice, im not being something heavy and disturbing in their lives, ive no doubts about that too...........and thats so wonderful to me, dont believe many people have this luck :-)

but sadly i feel other people who are close, or i think they are close to me, its not the same thing..........and that breaks my heart because i know i dont deserve that, because for me those persons are very important and very special, and i couldnt live without them........but i feel they think im only creating problems in their lives and that everything would be better if i was far, far away from them.........

i feel like an annoying and dark cloud thats taking away the sun from a flower........

so if that dark cloud really loves that flower, and knows that the flower doesnt need you, it only wants and needs the warm and happy sun, dont you think it has arrived the time to have the courage to go away and leave that flower in peace? its hard for you because you feel that flower sometimes will need the rain that could water its petals and at the same time, that flower is important for you, it brights your life and gives colours to your days...........

but you feel you cant force the feelings of the ones you love but who dont love you, thats so stupid..........you need them but you must realise they DONT need you.....they are important for you, but you are only a pain in their lives............

so, u must go, go with the wind, go to the ones who really love you and care about you, and forget everything that is constanly hurting you and breaking your heart!

you cant be so silly all your life.....

but, as i said, i WONT cry today!

thats enough of tears, too much tears in my life since i was born, thats enough!

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