but this time i WONT cry, im so fed up of crying as a silly child, i feel always so ridiculous...
ill pretend everything is ok, and if something tries to upset me, ill open a little door in my mind and ill throw to there all my darkest feelings, oh yeah i will...
and then ill close that door and ill throw away the key....oops i cant, because i know other bad feelings will want to appear and i must hide them there too...
its as if a dark and ugly monster was invading my soul in all directions and i must try to ignore it to do not feel so lost...
why sometimes this happens to me? what have i done to deserve this?
why people keep hurting each others, specially the ones who are closer to them? is that fair?
in whom can we count on?
sometimes we think we can count on somebody and that we are important for that person, but suddenly we realise we are so wrong, we dont mean anything to that person, and that everything nice that person seems to make to you, its not made with real love and joy, its made with sacrifice........and when you think you have something very special in your life, maybe one of the most special things in all your life, something more precious than gold, suddenly you find out thats nothing, its only sand that disappears in the middle of your fingers, you try to hold it tight in your hands because its so important for you, but it vanishes, and so, so fast..... :-(
how can we always be so wrong? how can we always feel so lost in this endless road thats our stupid life?
maybe we only can rest when our life comes to its end....no more dreams, no more disillusions, we dont hurt any more people and nobody else hurts us, its the end of everything.....and when we die, if somebody sometimes remembers us that means that during our life we were important to that person and in some way we made some difference in their life......and that keeps us alive and eternal, even if its only in one persons heart......
many times i think im lucky because i have a wonderful family, not very large, but they really love me and care about me, and we all are very close, and i never doubt about their feelings for me....and ive my pets who i know they really love me too......and i know that if one day ill go, they will really miss me, ive no doubts about that.....i also have no doubts that when they are with me, they really enjoy my company, they are not making any sacrifice, im not being something heavy and disturbing in their lives, ive no doubts about that too...........and thats so wonderful to me, dont believe many people have this luck :-)
but sadly i feel other people who are close, or i think they are close to me, its not the same thing..........and that breaks my heart because i know i dont deserve that, because for me those persons are very important and very special, and i couldnt live without them........but i feel they think im only creating problems in their lives and that everything would be better if i was far, far away from them.........
i feel like an annoying and dark cloud thats taking away the sun from a flower........
so if that dark cloud really loves that flower, and knows that the flower doesnt need you, it only wants and needs the warm and happy sun, dont you think it has arrived the time to have the courage to go away and leave that flower in peace? its hard for you because you feel that flower sometimes will need the rain that could water its petals and at the same time, that flower is important for you, it brights your life and gives colours to your days...........
but you feel you cant force the feelings of the ones you love but who dont love you, thats so stupid..........you need them but you must realise they DONT need you.....they are important for you, but you are only a pain in their lives............
so, u must go, go with the wind, go to the ones who really love you and care about you, and forget everything that is constanly hurting you and breaking your heart!
you cant be so silly all your life.....
but, as i said, i WONT cry today!
thats enough of tears, too much tears in my life since i was born, thats enough!
...................................................
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