sometimes i feel so confused........why life is as it is? why things are as they are?
the point is: why the ones who are closer to us are the ones who hurt us the most? and also the ones we hurt the most? i always try to do my best but it seems sometimes what i make, what i say, isnt the correct thing........and when the others hurt us, it seems the pain is much bigger when those ones are people we love...........
so i ask, why? why things must be like that? is it fair?
this world is plenty of ways but not always i know the right one.........im afraid that often i chose the wrong way, i make the wrong things...........yeah, i believe something isnt well.........but where?
im not feeling very well now and sadly cant talk with anybody........i feel confused and lost and sad................sometimes i feel i should have the courage to make something...........one day, people would ask for me but i would be gone...........and the world, this confused world, would keep going, but i would be no more here in the middle of this mess.............
and the funny is that i know im not feeling the correct thing..........i know im being ungrateful, because ive a great family who loves me, ive great friends, ive my lovely cats, ive a house, ive food, i live in a beautiful country where theres no war...........so why im feeling so miserable? is it fair that im feeling like this, although ive so many good things that so many people all over the world dont have? do i deserve those things? one day i will be punished because i had good things in my life but i havent deserved them, i know it............but i cant change what im feeling right now........
whats wrong with me?
what demon is this one inside my heart whos making me cry? whos making me feel so lost and unhappy? whos making me have doubts about everybody and everything? doubts about myself...........whos making me feel that this world isnt for me? or that im not for this world?
people should have a button that they could push and disappear for a while........and see how the world would be without them........and see if there were people who really loved them...........and see if the ones they loved would miss them...........sometimes im afraid that if i had that button and if i pushed it, i would realise this world would be much better without me, and even people i love would feel reliefed with my absence..............am i right?
..........................
im going to bed......maybe tomorrow i will feel better............
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