About my birthday tomorrow :-(

So tomorrow its my birthday, one more day in my life, one more year, me getting older and older, and when i look backwards i realise how silly has been my life, how little i have made in this world.......most people make a difference in the world, starting for making a difference in other peoples lives, but i feel i have not been making any difference in any life of all people i know...........i believe all people i know very easily would live without my presence in their lives......and maybe some of them would feel really reliefed with my absence, i feel it :-(

usually my birthday is always my favourite day of the year......because in that day, i feel a bit special, my closest family and friends remembering me and calling me to wish me a happy day, or giving me nice presents, and writing to me cards with sweet messages, or making me wonderful surprises.....or simply being with me and giving me all their love.........and then the "cake moment" when i feel really special, everybody clapping at me :-) also in that day i know i dont need to prepare anything, as it happens in other parties, where i always have lots of things to organise, and i feel always so responsible if i forget something or somebody lol

but this year, dont know why, i feel my birthday will be really crap.....i know im being unfair because my family who loves me so much, will be here with me, as they always are, always, in the good and in the bad moments, i know it..........but im not talking about them, im talking about me, i feel my stupid dark clouds decided to invade my heart and they wont go away, specially in my birthday.........ive this sad feeling that something very important to me is missing, its always missing, and how can i feel happy with that?

its funny how my life is like a jigsaw, and in that jigsaw of 3.000 pieces theres a little piece missing.......and instead of being happy with the 2.999 pieces i already have, i insist on thinking only about the one thats missing.........is this fair?

i know its my fault, i should fight against this feeling, i should try to do something, but i simply cant! i feel i needed something that would give me enough strength to make a difference not only in my life but also in the lives of the ones around me..........

and time keeps passing, years keep going, and here i am in the middle of nowhere waiting for nothing..........and one day its too late, i will go away and in my last seconds i know it, i will regret all my life, all my feelings, all my thoughts, all my actions.........but it will be too late and i wont have more time to change things, to change myself........

and the world will keep turning round as if i have never existed........

and people will keep living their lives as if i had never made part of them......

will anybody really miss me when i will go away?